Music fans in the wild: The One-Up-Man

The One-Up-Man: No matter what band, artist or genre, the One-Up-Man has a better story or understanding than you ever possibly could. The One-Up-Man isn't limited to music (they're often in workplaces too) but those indulging in music are paticulalrly irksome. In the 90's, a One-Up-Man would say "Oh Nirvana, I bought Bleach on mail order from Subpop in '89. I can't listen to Nevermind, it's such a sell out." In 2000's, they say stuff like "Oh the National, I saw them when they played Newtown RSL to fifteen people when they were really good." No matter what you talk about, they heard it first, saw it at some exclusive gig back in the day or knew the band members. "Oh the Cure, I knew Robert Smith before he formed the band - he was a nice guy but we lost touch..." Dude, you're 22 - do you have a time machine?

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Music fans in the wild: The "I like a bit of everything" Fan

"I like a bit of everything": Anyone who says they like a bit of everything are not music fans, they are not smart and it’s probably an effort for them to remember to breathe. You like a bit of everything huh? So once you’ve finished listening to Celine Dion, you put on your favourite Napalm Death track while rifling through your itunes for that Mariachi band cover of Hotel California - thought not. You say you love to hum whatever comes on the radio. Yeah, what if the radio started playing songs of propaganda from Nazi Germany? Would you hum along? Let’s face it, you’re not a music fan but you’re probably responsible for the rise of the Third Reich.

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Music fans in the wild: The Aficionado

The Aficionado: The Aficionado can only listen to one type of music to the expense of all other genres. Generally, they like classical, jazz or death metal and all other music is mere noise to their refined ears. To call these unimaginative dullards music fans is kind of like calling a kitten a lion of the Serengeti. They often can’t even recognise that the music they so adore had it’s roots in other music forms. For example, blues birthed rock which added distortion that became metal and then some losers started screaming about their mother not loving them/and or satan and you have death metal. A lot of death metal fans cannot accept this and write thing in music forums like “YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE REAL METAL!” (but normally it’s in some weird broken English). Jazz fans are often the worst and most pretentious of the Aficionado group as they can’t admit that the music they love is shit.

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