Saturday, March 12, 2011

My Bloody Golf Handicap

I have to be honest, I kind of hate golf. I find nothing more boring, pretentious or reeking of privilege than golf. Maybe that's overstating it a little but in terms of the pantheon of sports in the world, golf seems like a third nipple - oddly interesting but ultimately useless. That being said, I know a lot of people who play golf and are addicted to it. They go golfing at least three times a week even if the weather is horrific and they are forever talking about reducing their handicap. It's like some weird cult where the uniform is a mixture of bad pants and boring. This is pure speculation but it just occurred to me that Kevin Shields must be a golfer.

The reason I bring this up is because I was watching Lost in Translation and Kevin had a few songs on the soundtrack. Apart from the occasional remix and appearance with Patti Smith and Primal Scream, he really hasn't been doing anything significant music wise for about 20 years. Ok that's not quite true, there are bootlegs of a number of My Bloody Valentine albums that were never released but I kind of get the feeling that Kevin finished Loveless and said "now I've created the perfect guitar album, I'm going to work on my golf handicap." Again, this is speculation but I suspect that Kevin has been abducted by the brotherhood of goofy pants and golf clubs. Seriously - 20 YEARS since Loveless.

If this is the case (and it's probably not), all I can say is if you've been solely focused on your golf handicap for twenty years and are not a professional player by now, it's time to strap your Fender back on and hit the distortion pedal. Seriously, dude, anyone can play golf badly but no one rocks a tremolo like you do.

Don't make me come down to the golf club and find you, it's time to make music again.


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