Monday, January 24, 2011
The Devil's Music
Wolves - they're everywhere at the moment. I find them immensely cool looking animals, the wild thug of the dog world but I also find them intimidating and scary at the same time. The reason I bring this up is because wolves normally rove in packs of 20 but in the north of Russia of wolf pack of 400 is roaming the steppes looking for trouble - I find this idea distinctly terrifying (even though I live in Australia).
So, it was with some surprise to read that a teenager in Norway stumbled across a wolf pack on his way home. Keeping a cool head under pressure and endorsing the stereotype that Scandinavians have terrible taste in music, he played Creed at them at maximum volume through his mobile phone. The wolves retreated either because a) wolves have better taste than your average Norwegian metal fan or b) Creed is truly the devil's music. I'm willing to bet it's a little of a nd b... but mostly b.
If you don't know, Creed are one of those bands like Nickelback that are soulless, paint by number rockers that seem to be produced in laboratories to create music that is perfect in every way - slow build verse here, big chord rousing chorus here, guitar solo, band drops out for a second, big finale. Perfect in every way except that anyone with an iota of taste or a mental age higher than thirteen can see, hear and taste that they suuuuuuuuuuck! If there is a definition of not having a soul, these bands embody it. Now it's easy to make fun of Creed and Nickelback because they are so bad but if they want to infect my ears with their shitty stadium rock, I have the prerogative to complain about it on a blog read by three people.
Let's get it out there, I'm an atheist so concepts like heaven and hell are redundant to me. But if I imagine Heaven, I imagine it to be full of pious Christians walking around talking about how they were right all along. Then I imagine Hell and who would be wandering around? Hendrix, Lennon et al. As a matter of fact, I imagine hell as one enormous Big Day Out concert with a stellar line up with infinite queues to the portaloos. As the late great Bill Hicks said often:
They tell us "Rock'n'roll is the devil's music." Well, let's say we know that rock is the devil's music, and we know that it is, for sure … At least he fuckin' jams! If it's a choice between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the fuckin' Block … I'm gonna be surfin' on the lake of fire, rockin' out.
I know where I'd rather be but it does make me think there are two types of Devil's music. First, there is the music that is undeniably awesome which dates back to Robert Johnson hitting the crossroads where he made a deal to be undeniably amazing. This musical DNA has travelled through the fingers of everyone from Chuck Berry to Angus Young to pretty much anyone who doesn't suck. Secondly, there is the 'pact with the devil to make you famous' music. Bill Hicks had a particularly crude skit on this as well talking about musicians performing fellatio on Satan's "scaly pecker" for fame.
As such, I would surmise that any music that can scare a pack of wolves away is surely the work of the devil but not the good kind. Let's face it, wolves are inherently evil because they hang out with vampires and stuff so anything that bad must be sourced from Satan himself. Why can't Creed be God's music you ask (as Creed are a Christian rock band) with songs so powerful it can scare away wolves? I would argue that if God exists, even with his (or her) infinite wisdom and power, there is no way s/he is powerful enough to make Creed popular because that's some evil shit right there. That's Satan's doing alright and he has a cruel, cruel sense of humour...