Tuesday, January 18, 2011

How to win any argument using music

Any argument (regardless of what it is about) can be won by reducing it to a debate about music. I recently bought a friend of mine my favourite book, Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, by Haruki Murakami. The book is pretty dark but has some fantastical elements (urm, for example, unicorns) in it. However, my friend was less than impressed sending me the following text message:

CW: Almost finished the Japanese book. That’s some weird shit. It’s like an intellectual Avatar without the Disney music or use of papyrus font. Are you by any chance a world of warcraft fan? I’m thinking you might be.

(Not being a World of warcraft fan and affronted by this attack on my literary taste, I sent this totally grown up message back).

Jonathan: Fuck you.

(To which CW, prods a little further.)

CW: That’s a yes then.

(Even this is ostensibly an argument about a book, I will now resort to attacking CW’s music taste even though it’s totally unrelated)

Jonathan: You’d have some cred on the matter if you had better taste in music.

(CW, sensing a shift in the dynamic, immediately strikes back going after one of my favourite artists.)

CW: Straight for the jugular! Nice work, that’s your finest insult to date. Top form and highly ironic coming from a Bob Mould fan.

(However, knowing CW’s slight embarrassment but deep love of Aerosmith [which admittedly can be pretty great] I go in hard).

Jonathan: Don’t forget to collect your Aerosmith greatest hits at the door bitch.

(I’ve made made a smart play here as I know CW will always defend Aerosmith based on the song Sweet Emotion)

CW: Dude, you cannot deny Sweet Emotion.

(Sensing blood in the water, I mention a lameass latter era Aerosmith song which is totally unfair).

Jonathan: I find it interesting you use the word dude. Does he look like a lady?

No more text messages so that means I won. All you need is a little insider knowledge on what your opponent feels weakens their claim to musical superiority and keep digging at that flesh until you taste blood. That being said, I don’t really mind Aerosmith, I just like to make the argument really.

So, there you go, reduce any argument to being about music and you're assure a chance of winning no matter how wrong you may be.



  1. Hilarious!!! A music TKO.
    That is solid, JH.

    x K

  2. most likely the messages stopped because CW was about to get on a plane, and CW's phone was about to be physically removed from CW's hand. CW put up the biggest struggle to stop this from happening as CW knew you'd claim victory. You've no idea the lengths CW went to, to retain the phone. But alas - the flight attendant defeated CW. So it's not actually correct to claim victory here. It's just a pause of sorts.....
    Game back on, homie.

  3. also, could you just clarify for me why you know the lyrics to Dude Looks Like a Lady? I was just wondering, because, um, it seems *strange*. Almost like perhaps you're a closet Aerosmith fan. Which of course if true, would totally negate your argument and thus rule CW the victor in this matter. Just sayin'...

  4. My phone was taken from me. The dog ate my homework. It was like that when I got here. I swear the light was yellow officer. It's not what it looks like. That website just popped up I swear.

    All great excuses but I would have missed that plane flight to win the argument therefore I win by default.

  5. As to why I know the lyrics to Dude looks likes a lady, it's because the lyrics are "Dude looks like a lady" repeat ad nauseum. It's not like I'm trying to recite Shakespeare from memory. Anyone conscious of popular music in the late 80's would know that because it was huge.